A Thorn in the Flesh

 

How does suffering draw one closer to Christ?  How can Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” help me understand this?

Last night, as I was praying over a recording about the first miracle performed by Mother Teresa after her death, the Holy Spirit led me to a contemplation of the value of suffering.  One of Mother Teresa’s teachings is that suffering draws us closer to Christ, that we should see suffering as Christ leaning to kiss us.

Since Christ does not CAUSE suffering and he loves us very much, this is a very difficult teaching to understand.  But as I prayed, I began to see a little more clearly how this might apply in my life.

I am certainly not the Apostle Paul, but I do have a “thorn in the flesh” with which I must contend daily.  I have a neurologic condition (inherited) that compromises my balance and also my coordination in other things. 

Growing up, I was physically very strong and also very strong willed.  I was raised with the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” notion, “the Lord helps those who help themselves”.  I was, in fact, taught to rely completely on no one but myself.  When I became Catholic, I learned that I should, instead, rely completely on no one but Jesus.  I learned that my hands were actually weak, that I could do nothing from my own strength, that God had been giving me strength all along.

As you might imagine, this was a difficult lesson for me.  Trips to the Confessional and prayer began to show me that I suffered from excessive pride, and that this pride was a stumbling block for me.  Around this same time, I learned about my brain-based inherited neurological condition which cannot be cured by medical means.  My balance continued to deteriorate until walking without a cane became dangerous.

Suddenly, I could not read at Mass because I could not safely mount the steps to the sanctuary.  I could not serve tables at gatherings because I couldn’t use my cane and carry plates at the same time.  The “could nots” began to accumulate and I became very irritated with myself.  Why did this condition have to happen to me?

As time went on, through prayer and confession, I learned to offer my “suffering” (my frustration, together with some real pain I experienced) for the good of others.  I started praying to my Guardian Angel as I walked down the aisle for communion, that I wouldn’t fall on the way or drop my cane when I received.  I was presented with other ministries that I could, by God’s grace and with His help, accomplish. 

So I was learning humility.  I was learning trust in God.  I was learning empathy for others who had difficulties to manage.  I was leaning closer to Jesus.

My personal “thorn in the flesh” helped me to progress from an arrogant physically competent person to a physically impaired person with a greater trust and reliance on God.  I am also, surprisingly perhaps, a happier person even with my challenges.  If my condition continues to deteriorate, I now have faith that God will work through me in whatever I am still able to do.  But I have to give it to Him, and truly let go of the wheel.